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Domestic Violence "101"

What exactly constitutes domestic violence in the home or relationship? Here are some of the basic principles and components that we all should understand.

About Domestic Violence
Overview of the Warning Signs of Abuse
Defining Abuse
Why Doesn't She Just Leave?
About Abusers
What You Can Do To Help Someone You Love

About Domestic Violence

Domestic violence does not begin with the first hit; it often starts with jealousy and emotional abuse. How do we know to call it "domestic violence" rather than "a bad relationship?" Well, if it's just a bad relationship, then either partner is not afraid of the other and both feel safe to leave or break up at any time. Domestic violence (or dating abuse) involves a pattern of coercive behaviors and tactics used to instill fear in a person. These tactics include threats and intimidating and manipulating behavior that emotionally, physically, or sexually hurt an intimate partner. The purpose of the abuse is to establish and maintain power and control over the other person.

Within this site, we frequently refer to abusers as "he" and victims as "she" because, although anyone can be abused by a partner, men abuse women in about 95% of the reported cases of domestic violence. We recognize that anyone can be abused regardless of age, sex, race, religion, sexual orientation, educational level, or economic background. We offer a full-range of services for those with special needs and we encourage any person who is being abused to reach out to us for help by calling our 24-hour hotline at (888) 438-8700 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-7233.

Overview of the Warning Signs of Abuse

Does your partner:

Insult, embarrass, humiliate or intimidate you?
Call you or beep you constantly throughout the day?
Try to control what you spend, do, say or wear?
Blame you for everything?
Resent anything you do outside the relationship?
Keep you from seeing your family and/or friends?
Deny you access to money or financial assets?
Accuse you over and over of being unfaithful?
Ever prevent you from leaving?
Throw things or destroy things of value to you?
Threaten to hurt you, children, family, pets - or himself?
Force you into sex when - or in ways - you don't want?
Shove, hit, kick, bite, slap, punch or hurt you?

Do you often find yourself:

Asking for permission to do the simplest things?
Doing what your partner wants - never what you want?
Having to justify everything you do?
Making excuses or blaming yourself for your partner's behavior?
Feeling alone and isolated from your friends and/or family?
Trying to avoid anything that would make your partner angry?
Feeling that your partner is unhappy, no matter what you do?
Believing your partner will change if you changed yourself?
Feeling afraid of your partner?
Staying with your partner because you are afraid to break up?
Returning to your partner because it got worse after you left?
Hiding evidence of the abuse from family and friends?

Defining Abuse

Physical Abuse
Grabbing, slapping, pushing, punching, shoving, kicking, choking, preventing you from leaving, and hitting where bruises don't show.

Verbal Abuse
Threats, humiliating remarks, constant put-downs, name-calling, yelling, screaming, inappropriate jokes, telling you how to act or what to wear, and constant criticism.

Emotional Abuse
Extreme jealousy and possessiveness, setting all the rules for the relationship, always checking up on you, destroying your personal property to "send you a message," controlling all the money, isolating you from friends and family, putting down your accomplishments, blaming you for his behavior, minimizing your goals, and threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

Sexual Abuse
Rape, forcing you into sex when (or in ways) that you don't want, bragging about your sexual relationship, comparing you to past partners, flirting to make you jealous, using drugs or alcohol to get sex, continually pressuring you for sex, and accusing you over and over of being unfaithful.

Economic Abuse
Preventing you from getting or keeping a job, making you ask for money, giving you an allowance, taking your money, limiting your knowledge about the family finances; limiting your access to family income.

Why Doesn't She Just Leave?

Many people believe that if only she left the relationship, everything would be fine. But nothing could be further from the truth - you need to know that the risk of serious or lethal violence actually increases when a person leaves, or attempts to leave, the relationship. For this reason, our advocates are skilled in developing a personalized safety plan for any one who is thinking about leaving their relationship.

In order to support someone you care about, it's important to understand why one may stay in the relationship, or rather, what prevents one from leaving.

Fear: The abuser may threaten to hurt - or kill - her and/or her children if she leaves.
Love: Women often stay because the abuser promises to change and they want to believe him. She does not want the relationship to end; she wants the abuse to stop.
Isolation: He may have isolated her from friends, family and other sources of support. The more isolated she is, the more dependent she is on him.
Guilt: She believes the abuse is her fault and that if she changes something about herself, things will get better. Also, he may threaten to kill himself if she leaves, causing more feelings of guilt.
Shame: Often she'll think, "How did this happen to me?" because he was so loving and caring in the beginning of the relationship. She may fear being blamed or judged and may be embarrassed to seek out support.
Children: If she is threatened with the loss of her children by parental abduction or legal custody decision, she will not leave. Women often tell us, "I stayed for the children."
Economics: If he controlled all the money, she might not have any resources to leave. She is faced with a reduced standard of living for her children, with the loss of her home and/or the loss of her possessions.
Community Response: If he is popular within the community and there are no witnesses or evidence of the abuse, she may feel that no one will believe her.
Familial/Cultural/Religious: There may be pressure to maintain the relationship by family, friends or faith community.

About Abusers

Abusers use violence for one reason: to achieve power and control. However, there are many excuses they may use to justify their behavior. Understand that it's not about anger, stress, drugs, alcohol or what their partner does or doesn't do. Hurting or threatening someone is an effective way to get - and keep - control over that person. Abuse is always a choice. We all can get angry; we all don't abuse.

Abuser characteristics include:

Blaming someone else for their actions - not taking responsibility for their own behavior.
Blaming others for their problems (work, school, the kids, their boss).
Blaming drugs and alcohol for the abuse.
Having an explosive temper and becoming easily annoyed.
Portraying himself as the victim.
Denying or minimizing the violence.
Having a low opinion of women.
Expecting you to meet all of their needs.

What You Can Do To Help Someone You Love

If you know someone who is being abused, there are steps you can take to help:

Believe them and let them know that the abuse is not their fault.
Don't blame them for the abuse by asking them what they did to provoke it.
Encourage them to get help by calling your local domestic violence shelter, our hotline (888) 438-8700, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-7233.
If you witness a physical assault, call 911.
Let them know that physically abusing someone is a crime and that they can get legal protection.
DO NOT confront the abuser. He may become angry that she confided in you, and you or your friend could be hurt.

Remember, you can also use the hotlines to get advice on how to bring up the subject and how to help a friend, loved one or colleague.